Does the poison drip all the way through?

Reflections on growing older

*preface*

It is Saturday, May 25th at 9:30 am. I'm sitting in a coffee shop, whose door is open because it’s the official first weekend of Summer-and it’s a beautiful 65° and sunny out. The irony here is that I am going to write about what it means to actually *be* something, at your core. Part of who I want to be is someone with integrity-who does what they say they’re going to do. I started thinking about this piece in February, sat down to write it on April 1st (no that’s not a joke) and now am finishing it 7 weeks later. While in the context of a decade, that's a short period, in the context of this season of my life it's not a piece I have written with much integrity.

One of my favorite shows, and a show that I think is going to end up as a “pantheon” show is Succession. If you aren’t familiar-it’s about an uber-rich family, the patriarch of whom is the founder and CEO of the largest media conglomerate in the world. He is, however, much to the chagrin of his children, probably too old to be running the company, and his children spend the two years that show traverses trying to position themselves to take over for their father. One problem though is that their father is emotionally and physically abusive to essentially everyone in his life. One of the primary questions that the show tries to wrestle with is “Does the poison drip all the way through?” Do the sins of the father, wreck the children? What do generational misdeeds look like? How do the children both try to heal from the trauma of their father while simultaneously trying to please him? Is that even possible? 

I want to try to tie a few different threads together today.

1. Answering the question above (does the poison drip all the way through?)

2. Easter

3. Getting older

4. Running

For those of you that didn’t know I recently had a birthday (March 11th) and I am officially old-30. While I don’t necessarily feel older than I did on March 10th, turning 30 is an age that both 1. people bring up as a big deal and 2. I think due to the aforementioned public discourse you reflect a lot on where you have been, where you currently are, and where you are going; I am no exception to this.

For me, people started to bring up “Oh my gosh you are turning 30” starting around November of last year. While this almost feels like a Larry Davidesque critique of social pleasantries in my humble opinion asking someone 5 months before their birthday how they feel, or are going to feel, seems a smidge unnecessary and jumping the gun. However paired with everyone else’s reflections on 2023, entering 2024, it created this sense of wholistic reflection entering 2024 that ran through the beginning of March. The question that I wrestled with personally was borne out of the question at the centre of Succession; does the poison drip through? Not in the sense of generational sins but do small flaws in the foundation of my character rise all the way through? And if so, does that alter what the Truth of my character is? 

If you are confused, not quite sure what I mean, or think you know but want an example, let’s see if this helps. I view myself as having a fair amount of integrity. I am honest in my work, I work hard to have an honest view of my abilities, and I seek to be honest and generous when someone asks my opinion on something. But if I tell someone “Hey I’ll commit to doing X and I’ll have it done by Thursday.” Then in reality I do a shitty job at X and I don’t have it done until Monday. If that happens 2-3 times a week in a variety of different situations then can I consider myself as someone with integrity- someone who does what they say they are going to do? An example that is a little more vulnerable. I use an app -called Tweek- to help me have some semblance of organization in my weeks and my days. I’ll sit down on a Sunday and write out daily what are the things I ‘need’ or want to accomplish. I cannot accurately tell you the number of times I have “check marked” something complete I barely did, put no effort towards, started for 5 minutes, or just thought about doing. Can I consider myself as someone with integrity? 

I don’t have a good answer to this question. I know that I am relatively hard on myself and my base is just “no.” But I know how much worse I was at following through on things like this when I was 21. I know that people consider me a reader (when I think I read single-digit books TOTAL in 2022 & 2023 combined) and I have read 6 books already in 2024. So where does growth factor into the impact of hidden character deficiencies? Unfortunately for you and me, I’m not writing to give you an answer but to be vulnerable, and to tell you that if you are wondering the same thing then you’re not alone. 

One of the facets of my life that I have reflected on as I have become old is the place of religion, Christianity, and church in my life. Those of you who know me, or who have read anything I have written in this space probably think that’s funny. 99% of what I have written here comes out of the Christian tradition-most of it probably quotes something from the Christian scriptures or the Fathers of the Church. But for years my answer to the question “Are you a Christian?” is something along the lines of “Well it depends on who is asking, and what day it is.” This response has birthed out some combination of trying to be intellectually humble, and humorous, and a desire to keep this weird Evangelical, cheesy, and overly political culture all at arm's length. Despite all of that unsure-edness, and doubt I still have attended church more often than not. I can recall the months leading up to Covid (side note the timing is relatively a coincidence and I can’t believe how much Covid defines our timelines) where I found myself crying basically every week during the Eucharist, communion. I certainly don’t know where to start discussing why. But what I do know is this Communion, the church, is something I have tried to leave over the last decade multiple times. From different specific churches to the art, poetry, and philosophy of the Church to the global sense of what the Church is → the representative of the Christ on earth. In all my endeavors in life, I don’t think I have been less successful at any of them as I have been trying to leave the Church. So this year one of the steps I have taken in response to hidden character deficiencies is to seek out the community of the Church. To live in that vulnerability, weekly. I still don’t have answers. I still bristle often, and live out of a sense of open-handedness. I described it to a friend the other day by saying that “…Christianity is where myth finds its true-ness.” 

But one of the beautiful things about Christianity is Easter. Easter is above all else a celebration of the reality of life. That as the creeds say “Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.” And that this reality of the overcoming of death is pertinent in your everyday life, to my everyday. The relevance is that death, evil, sadness, despair, depression, and entropy don’t have the final say. They aren’t the final word. 

I don’t post much on Instagram but every year on Easter I share some photo of a hike or a beautiful moment with the caption “If any day in the cosmos is a greater fuck your victory to the sting of death - if any day enables that cheer - it is Easter.” This is a quote from one of my favourite poems that inspired me to write this. 

One of my favourite authors, since I was little was CS Lewis. I have read copious amounts of his work, multiple times. He is most well known for writing The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe widely considered and mythical retelling of the Christian story. One of the most beautiful scenes is when Aslan the Lion (representative of the Trinity) gives himself up to the antagonist-the winter without Christmas embodiment- Jadis the White Witch and is tied up and shaved on a giant stone table. (he also gives himself up as a trade for one of four siblings who have entered this magical world. the single sibling is however a traitor and planned to give up the lives of his siblings to Jadis in exchange for literal magical candy). Two of the siblings sneak into the camp of Jadis once they are certain Death has won. Evil is in its Day. In the pale light of the morning, as the two daughters of Eve are leaving they hear a great and terrible crack as the stone is broken. Aslan comes to their side and they ask him about his resurrection in the moment. He says

that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know: Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards.

Christ is myth become real.

Paul, one of the writers of the majority of the New Testament, says of the resurrection that if Christ was never raised from the dead then everything he says is worthless. Frankly, I don’t have a stake one the psychical reality of the resurrection of Jesus from Nazareth. I have approached it from the back door. That what I know of life is that death isn’t the end, it isn’t the final word. The deeper magic present in your life, throughout the moments of silence, throughout the moments of despair is that death works in reverse. 

So I don’t know if matters if the poison drips all the way through the cracks, to the foundation. Life doesn’t get to hold court, being the judge, the prosecution, and the jury about the character of my life, the deep being of who we all are. Too often we give the power in our minds to our emotions that gurgle up to the surface when we are at our lowest, below sea level, letting it impact our core. The process of aging, maturing, and gaining wisdom is the process of building up those ramparts. In the Christian story, it is the process of letting Christ and his Bride be the lead architects of this project. Jesus is often described as the cornerstone and this is part of that project.

I still have one more thread I want to weave. Running. I have this problem where I don’t say “no” to participating in any physical activity. Volleyball league? sure! Basketball two mornings a week? I’ll be there! Pickleball this weekend? Tell me where. Want to run a marathon this fall? Sign me up! Not to mention I’ve never so much as ran a Turkey Trot before. Here I am running a team 100-mile race in September. It will be a blast. 4 of us are each running 25 miles, split into two sections of 12.5 miles each. We have a driver so that we can all hang out in a can between segments and commiserate together. Not to mention the race will end at the Grand Canyon and will just be breathtaking and beautiful. (side note I think I say “yes” to everything partly as a distraction from my brain and the silence that threatens to accompany aloneness. Which is in and of itself, not a great habit. And one I am working on).

I unfortunately can’t show up tomorrow and run 12.5 miles, much less do it twice in the span of 24 hours. It takes work, daily and therefore weekly worse. Over a couple of months. It takes integrity. Putting in the time and doing what I say I will do. One day off, missing a run, or missing a training session doesn’t make me not a runner. Just like one day or one week checking tasks off my to-do list that I only spent 5 minutes on doesn’t threaten the reality of my integrity or the reality of my being. It does take work though. That is the tension. One day isn’t defining but we can’t let that day define us or we become frozen in our actions and that pattern becomes tone-setting. 

I appreciate the church I have attended for the last 5 years - since I moved to Denver, and I often invite friends to join. Usually, these are friends who got to other churches and I want to bring them into the community that Bloom has. Inevitably without fail they generally enjoy the service but feel some frustration at the lack of take-away from the sermon (because most protestant churches preach through the Bible verse by verse and try to give an application for everything). Bloom however tends to use the sermon as a reminder of the reality of life. The grace and beauty of which we are called to be a part and our collective need for the Eucharist, our need for Thanksgiving, our need for living out our days from a place of "Death is not the end." All of that to say I am resisting the need to provide a takeaway as closure but instead have been writing for myself with the hopes that you have experienced some similar feelings around growing older, the proclamation that entropy tries to claim in your life during the silence, and the tension that daily showing up for yourself holds. 

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Thank you for joining this foray into this merriment, love, and sorrow. This view that life holds that ordinary and the unique. The common and the uncommon. Thank you and I’ll see you next Monday (or the next time I post).

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