I don’t know if any of you have heard of him, but the New York Times best selling author, Austin Kleon, is doing a challenge right now that he calls “practice more, suck less.” For this challenge, you pick what ever habit (artistic endeavor) you want to get better at, and for 30 days you practice every day. No matter what. If it’s five minutes or half an hour. You show up. As I get older, and learn more about life and friendship and adulthood, I am convinced of two things. Presence is the most valuable thing we do as humans, but it is also the hardest. It requires steadfastness and vulnerability. It requires a selflessness and a long view of time. It requires a humility. I spent yesterday, Saturday February 27th, moving two of my best friends out of their apartment. We became friends around two years ago, when they first moved to Colorado, after hiking along the same trail and after I stepped in a small frozen puddle one of them was hiking close enough, and was kind enough, to let me borrow her extra pair of socks. It turned out we were hiking the same trail, and we all became friends that day. We proceeded to spend the next 3 months going and eating tacos together every Tuesday. We became present in each others lives. Through break ups (mostly mine), changing jobs, and living situations. Through a litany of other seasonal friends. We were present. I’m crying writing this, because of them is moving across the country next week and even as an adult; change is hard. I bring this up because yesterday as we were moving, we were reminiscing over the last few years and how continually showing up is what made us so close. This idea of presence and consistency seems to be some valuable today. Being honest, I struggle to find people like this. Day in, and day out. When the make up is taken off and the lights are down, I think it’s hard to be there. Admittedly I know this, and yet I still find it hard to give people grace for the times they fade away. This little blog, newsletter, exploration is meant to be consistent. For me at least. I want to develop and learn and grow, every week. In little ways and when I don’t start writing until midnight on Sunday night. Practice more, suck less.
I have been think about a lot this week. One of those things is about how we make the statement “ I wont ever change for them!” When in discussions about a current or former significant other. Like the trajectory of the relationship hingers on the two of you staying in equidistant orbit for decades. The Ancient Greeks however had a view of love which was essentially based around education; that what love means — love is a benevolent process whereby two people try to teach each other how to become the best versions of themselves. That they are committed to “increasing the admirable characteristics” that they possess and the other person possesses. It is not this ideal of two immovable object residing concurrent to each other. It not not “two paths diverged in a wood.” But instead two paths come together. Two paths that take their twists and turns together.
We have this idea, that to fall into love — and what a beautifully violent sentiment — is to find the the piece of the puzzle that fits. But the reality is not every part of someone we love is good, true and beautiful. However we are not wholly good, true and beautiful either. But as these paths merge, we mutually encourage the other. Falling deeper into the good. Raising up the true. Shedding the light of the beautiful into the places of dark. Concurrently our partner is reflecting this process with us. Thankfully they are. I think when we are all honest, we have moments leagues from being lovely. It might be when we are hungry, or tired. We could be feeling the effects of work, or stress with friends. The hope is regardless of these moments, we move on to the next day, together. Falling deeper into the good. Raising up the true. Shedding the light of the beautiful into the places of dark.
The flip side of all of this is that it takes two to journey together. You can recognize the lovely and the unlovely in someone, know the journey that love is, be willing and ready but also find it unreciprocated. One of the things I think that is required as we move into adulthood is that while we cannot “force” others to change, we must allow ourselves to change. While this is modestly controversial, I believe life is long. It’s full of seasons with different stories, different friends, and different lessons throughout each one. In saying this I think we recognize how we change throughout our own life. In the span of seven years, every cell in your body becomes a new one. In love, in adventure, in gentleness we open ourselves up to the power found in love, in friendship. We allow an outside perspective on the skeletons in our closet. On the dreams we have written on the back of polaroids. Not to fundamentally alter who we are, or how we move through the world. But in this continual process of growing in awareness of who we are, our desires, our pet peeves. In this learning to love others better. Learning to sit and hear the world, hear our heart, hear the hurts of other. We learn how to be present. Even when others aren’t.
This whole process is equally arduous, repetitive, and difficult. It requires what the Rabbi Ariel Burger calls “a heart of flesh” which comes from the Hebrew term “Lev Basar.” Which in turn is from a biblical verse, “I will take from you a heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Then there's a Hasidic teaching, from Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, “There's nothing as whole as a broken heart.” In these traditions, you cultivate a broken heart which is very different from depression or sadness. It's the kind of vulnerability, openness, and acute sensitivity to your own suffering and the suffering of others that becomes an opportunity for connection.
One of the wild beauties of the human experiences is our cognitive ability to sense deep time. To stretch our memories into the past, and into the future; sometimes simultaneously. This heart of flesh, is a creative endeavor of seeing time; of viewing joy and pain together. Of letting the joy, be joy, and the pain, be pain. Of accepting each, as they are. As opposed to attempting to change or viewing them in a different light.
There is another Hasidic teaching, in which the disciple asks the Rabbi, "Why does Torah say to ‘lay these words upon our hearts,' rather than take them into our hearts?" The Rabbi responds, "Because your heart as it is is too hard to let those words in. But someday, that heart will break open, and if the words are laid upon your heart, they will then fall into your heart." I hear this as one of those short sayings we hear, and while we don’t quite understand the full breadth, it regardless lives with us. Then one day when you're ready to understand —and embody, something will take place and in a moment you will find yourself saying, "I now understand why I needed those words." Love, friendship, presence are all similar. We hear of them, the difficulties, and the metaphors without fully understanding. Until one day, we find ourself embodying the joy, and the sting. The grace, and the vulnerabilities.
“Isn't it funny that day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.” C.S. Lewis
Also if you tried to listen to my podcast episode, last Monday, with Palmer Thomas; I realize there was a mistake and the podcast went blank after the introduction. I have since fixed that mistake and I’ll include that here.
I also have my fifth episode out! This was a really fun conversation with Davie Riel, a professor from the Department of Defense. We cover lots of topics, including what are some different biases we have as humans, how to develop our critical thinking skills, as well as bounce around some foreign and domestic policy questions.
Thank you for joining this foray into this merriment, love, and sorrow. This view that life holds that ordinary and the unique. The common and the uncommon. Thank you and I’ll see you next Monday.
ℹ️ Read more about Monday’s Don’t Suck here.
📬 If you like this newsletter, please consider sharing with others who might enjoy it as well.
👉 If you’re new here, sign up to receive future musings.
💬 Reply to any of these emails to open up a conversation, I always respond.